As cool temperatures settled into our area yesterday, a fear began to slowly creep up behind me. It followed me throughout the day and drew closer with each breath. I knew without question what it was. I purposefully began to think on all the wonderful moments I have had in cooler temperatures and the joy that I used to have just knowing that fall had arrived.
The fall had always been my favorite time of year. I always looked forward to the way the sun would shine through the various colors of changing leaves and drop a hint of warmth on my skin. I loved hearing the rustling of leaves in the wind and the scents that only came with the that time of year.
Though I am able to still enjoy the fall weather – it now comes with a strange and lingering fear.
In the depths of Postpartum Depression, I was no longer able to enjoy those simple moments. I suffered from PPD after the birth of both children – and it was difficult. The things and moments I had once enjoyed… I began to fear. If it once made me happy – it now upset me. As a child and younger adult – I was annoyingly happy. I was the annoyingly, happy cheerleader. I enjoyed each day. I enjoyed going places and meeting people. Yet so many normal activities became issues. The cooler temperatures were one of my biggest obstacles.
I’m not quite sure what it was about the cooler temperatures and the fall weather that would trigger a deeper depression and sense of fear – but it set in quickly my first fall as a mother. Though I no longer suffer from Postpartum Depression – I feel that you are never completely void of its presence. The remembrance of it, the depth of the darkness felt – lurks in the shadows.
Though the fall hasn’t set in and we are only experiencing fall-like temperatures, it’s amazing what it has triggered. Last night, as I fluffed my pillows and made myself comfortable – I turned to Dan and told him that I felt sad. Looking into my eyes, I could tell that he knew exactly what I meant. He wrapped me in his arms and asked if there was anything he could do. Though that didn’t remove the increasingly sad feeling – it was a start. Having a great level of support is what continues to help me the most.
If you feel that you may be suffering from depression – please reach out to someone. Anyone. Me.
You can ALWAYS call your doctor.